Since I received no response to my previous letter, I’m writing you again with an urgent, exciting proposal.

You are particularly difficult to track down.  I tried simply addressing my letter to “Mr. or Mrs. Satan, Center of the Earth.”  I guess it’s no surprise the envelope came back unopened, stamped: “recipient not at this address.”  So I take it you’ve moved?  What, no forwarding address?  Or some idea of a joke from the Post Office?  This theological stuff is so difficult to sort out.  I mean, what IS your zip code?  If you actually get this letter, will it simply burst into flames down there, or do you have a cool room for combustible imports?  Should I have etched it in lead?  I’ve read The Book of Revelation several times, and the Old Testament.  It’s just not that clear.  Please advise.

First, let me say, I hope this finds you in good health.  I’m sure the whole Rob Bell thing has been a stressful experience.  If somebody who had never even been to my house started spreading rumors that I didn’t even exist and that my own neighborhood is kind of a crazy legend, I’d be really upset.  So he is wrong.  Right?  You do exist?  Not that I’m doubting.  That would be sinful.

So, are you like the kind of high school mascot devil, or more like Al Pacino?  Just curious.

Now, you have a PR issue at the moment, and definitely some marketing opportunities. My understanding is that you have been around as long as the forces of good and light.  You know.  The big guy with the beard.  Is that right?  Even so, it seems like your job description has change a lot over time.  Is being sent to Hell a promotion, or, like, did you fall asleep at some archangel convention during the Speech of St. Matthew?  Being assigned to Hell doesn’t seem like it would be a step into higher management, if you ask me…but these things are, of course, unknowable.  In any case, I can help.

May I be blunt?  This whole “Love Wins” thing really troubles me.  If my misdirected friends, apostate family members and noisy neighbors aren’t destined to be tortured forever, well…what’s the fun in that?  Living a rightly pious life myself, it just seems sad that I’ll be forced to sit next to criminals, Buddhists, skateboarders, Harry Potter fans and anyone who ever played a stringed instrument.  That’s where you come in.  I’m hoping you can use your position and authority to help put this silly speculation about Hell, or the lack thereof, to a once and final end.

I’m thinking maybe we could collaborate towards our mutual benefit.  OK.  Here’s my elevator speech.  What I would say if I could ever actually find you.  Ahem:  “Mr. or Mrs. Satan.  Can I call you Lucifer…or Lucy as the case may be?  I propose a social media site just for people in Hell!  I know, I can see by your malevolent smirk that you sense the brilliance.  Maybe “Flamebook'” or “Fireplace?”  Those are catchy.  I know you had a hand in naming “Apple Computers.”  So I’ll leave that to you.  The upshot is that people (even shades and lower demons!) can share pictures of their personal torment, post thoughtful quotes from Nora Ephron movies and communicate with friends in the beforelife with heartfelt yet sulphuric cautionary advice.  We could develop apps like “Brimstoneville: Where nothing grows forever.”  We add a chat feature and sell advertising.  The asbestos industry comes to mind.  We’ll be rich.  Once Mark Zuckerberg arrives down there, we’ll even have a consultant.  After that, I’m thinking theme park and ultimately “Lake of Fire in the Darkness: A Planned Community of Transgression.” So whataya say?”

That’s my pitch.  I’d love to know your thoughts.  If money isn’t a motivator for you, the fame alone might be an incentive.  Speaking freely here, you really have lost your edge in the market.  Oh, I know, a lot of people are still afraid of you.  And that’s a good thing, of course.  However, it seems like we’re moving towards some earlier and annoyingly deeper understanding of the whole Christianity thing.  Like that infuriating Jesus guy was pushing.  Yes, he is my “personal lord and savior,” but he can be so tedious with the “love this person,” and “don’t stone that person.”  Please!  It really makes me quite angry.

So that’s it.  Together, we can reinvent Hell in our own image.  I suppose we do that all the time, but we’ve never had a solid plan before.  You would be boots on the ground, and I’ll run things from up top in the fluffy clouds.  I’ll have plenty of time to manage, since no one else I know will be in heaven with me.  The sad fact of a life of lived in abject humility and extreme piety.  Anyway, it’s their own fault.

I hear the end is coming soon, so we better act fast.

I’m looking forward to hearing from you…and getting started.  Unfortunately I won’t be able to visit you in your office, but since Microsoft just bought Skype, I’m pretty sure you’ve got your leathery little fingers in that transaction.  So add me as a friend add pure.of.heart.  🙂  You know where to find me.