In his book Seven Jeff Cook says “God’s chief desire is to dwell with those who long for [God].” So if longing is enough, why don’t I feel God dwelling with me?
Maybe it’s because the more I long for God, the more I try to fill that longing with things. I’m not sure it says anything good about me, but I can relate almost any topic to dieting. The first few days of a diet (lifestyle change, whatever you want to call it), I’m hungry. I want certain things and I’m not allowing myself to have them. I may swap bananas for cookies, or whole grain crackers for chocolate covered graham crackers, or a walk for a cheeseburger, but let’s face it: I’m substituting. And while I really, really want a cheeseburger, if I keep walking, eventually the longing subsides. My clothes get looser and I have more energy, the new habits take hold, and I feel more at ease.
In my experience, there is no substitute for the longing for God. I’ve tried, but the more I fill myself with a variety of ineffective options: junk food, email/Facebook/Twitter, television, gossip, ruminating over slights both real or perceived, imaginary conversations, strategies to resolve any number of issues (I love a good plan), the more I long for God. The noisier and busier I get in both mind and body, the farther away God seems.
The idea of “hunger and thirst for righteousness” is a really visceral one. Jesus isn’t talking about needing a little snack to tide us over. He’s talking about feeling empty, deeply empty. That’s how we make room for God, get right with God. We feel the ache of spiritual hunger, get parched for the living waters, create a big, open space to fill rather than shoehorning God into our souls, between what we wish we’d said to the unhelpful store clerk and next week’s meal list.
How much longing can you stand without the substitutes? I can’t take much, but when I can sit with that ache, let the longing wash through me without reaching for a cure, what fills me brings such peace it’s a wonder I can stand it. And yet it’s a struggle to remember that peace when the longing begins again.
What else is filling you?
My immediately thought after reading your post is something that too many people suffer and struggle with, including myself. Which I would like to share now.
While in High School I attended a UCC church in Black Forest, CO. The church became an all inclusive church. However, the demographics of the church changed and our minister who supported the all inclusive stance was forced out. When this happened my family and I left the church. For two years in high school, four years in college, two years post college, and a little less than a year of law school I did not goto church, actively practiced, or showed my faith and love for God. When I did attend church in college it was for the sole reason of going with my then girlfriend (It was also to churches I never felt right about). To get by and be “happy” I continued to fill my life with, school, internships, friends, work, and anything else I could think of. In college I averaged one meal a day and four hours of sleep. This was due to everything I crammed in my schedule. Throughout this nine year experience I broke down multiple times. Instead of turning to God and allowing Him to fill me I was ignorant and thought I can take care of myself, I cursed him, screamed out “why me? I am a good person, I treat all right. I did nothing wrong.”
When I came out to Omaha, for law school, I felt this tug, this little feeling deep down in my heart to find my home. That is when I began to recognize my hunger for God. I began looking at churches, in the area and eventually found myself here at Countryside. I began praying again. I began asking God to help me feel his presents. I began thanking God for my experiences; both good and what I perceived at the moment as bad. I began asking God for help again. Within two weeks I felt full, calm, and at peace. As if waves of love were washing over my body. I learned much from this experience.
When you are filling the space with substitutes and they fail/let you down (which they will do eventually) your hunger for God increases exceptionally. If you continue to try to fill that space with substitutes they will continue to fail you and your hunger for God will continue to increase exceptionally. That hunger will continue to grow to the point that you explode. To the point you are so empty and you have ran out of substitutes that you have no choice but to turn to God. You get to the point He is the only one that will make you feel full, calm, and at peace. You accept this and recognize this hunger and allow Him to fill you up.
What becomes tough is what do you do when you become hungry again? Do you go back to trying to fill your life with substitutes, or do you realize what is happening and turn to God right away?
Last time I faced this decision I made the wrong choice, and proceeded to fill my life with: work, school, internships, student organizations, my ex- girlfriend, friends, and many other things including going through the motions as if I was allowing God to fill me up. I do believe all of these things are good things (except for just going through the motions with God), but they have their place, and they will never replace or fill that area of you that will always hunger for God. Only God can fill that area.
You describe “deeply empty” so beautifully. We’ll be having a shoehorn discussion in our small group! Thank you!